If you are thinking about getting help
Then I have three questions for each person in the relationship. These questions are based on principles developed by Dr Sue Johnson who created emotionally focused couples therapy.
- ARE you Available? Can you come and be present in the therapy session with your partner? Can you be present in a way that will promote change?
- ARE you Receptive? Can you come and listen? Are you receptive to change and new ideas? I will actively listen to the difficulties that you both are facing.
- ARE you willing to Engage? I will engage in helping you through the process of change. You will be asked to actively engage with your partner in creating change. Join forces once you recognise the problems. Becoming allies against negative cycles!
Each person in the relationship that is considering coming to therapy, ideally, can answer yes to each of the above questions. This puts your therapy on a good footing right from the start. If you can not answer yes right now, then maybe this is the place for us to start work?
Do you have the time for your relationship?
Consider if you do not get help
Answer the following then I will tell you that therapy can help in most cases.
- What will be the impact of a failed relationship
Have you been here before? Do you know? Positive or negative?
- The emotional cost?
The level of distress and the long-term effects? How will you feel about yourself? What will you take into your next relationship? Maybe you will quit relationships?
- The impact on health?
Some relationships improve health and some relationships cause health problems! I am pro relationship repair and at the same time acknowledge that a few relationships will ultimately fail.
- The impact on time?
Wishing this would all just go away? How long will this take? It took time to get to this point and it will take time to heal in whatever choices you make. Magic wands for couples do not exist!
- The relationships impact on other people?
Family? Friends? Pets? Children?
- The financial impact?
How much is it currently costing? Loss of home? Loss of job? Loss of shared income? Cost of separation?
But we have tried this before!
There are restaurants and there are restaurants! There are different types of therapy and there are different types of therapists. Failure in the past does not mean failure in the future!