I’m sure everyone’s childhood is different, but for the sake of this, I’m going to choose a familiar story.
The princess… and the knight in shining armour.
We don’t need much of a story here. The pattern is already known.
The princess needs rescuing.
Somewhere inside, she holds onto the idea that there is someone who will come, understand her, and meet her needs without her having to struggle so much on her own.
She is pure of heart—at least in her own eyes—and because of that, she doesn’t always see her part in the difficulties she faces.
Regulating her emotions alone is hard, so the fantasy begins to do that work for her.
And so she is drawn… toward the knight.
Unbeknownst to her, the image of the armour matters.
Because the armour is not just strength.
It is steadiness.
It is predictability.
It is something she can lean into.
Inside the suit is someone solid, controlled, and seemingly unaffected. Someone who appears regulated, independent, and reliable. Especially when the visor is down.
What she cannot yet see is that armour can also mean unreachable.
It can be a barrier as much as a protection.
And what she may not understand is this:
He doesn’t wear the armour because he is strong.
He wears it because he needs it.
Some time a later …
After the great rescue — a story for another day — their relationship worked for a while.
But over time, something began to shift.
After a series of frustrations, the princess said:
“Why are you still wearing that suit of armour after all these years?”
And so, slowly — with the help of a wise man — the knight began to remove it.
Layer by layer.
Until one day, he stood before her without it.
No armour. No visor.
He spoke plainly.
He showed his uncertainty.
He named his needs and feelings in a way he had never done before.
And the princess… was horrified!!!
Because this was not the man she had imagined.
This man was not solid and unshakeable.
He was not there simply to steady her.
He had needs of his own.
He could not always regulate her.
He could not always be what she had relied on him to be.
And in that moment, something became clear.
It wasn’t just that he had been hiding behind the armour.
She had been relating to it.
Sometimes, what feels like love is also a way of being held together.
