Couples caught in the dance – Therapy solution

The Negative pattern that’s hidden

Dr. Sue Johnson, the founder of couples Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT), refers to couples being ‘caught in the dance’.  When things go wrong in relationships, each person is likely to have a conflicting view of what the problem is.  I would like to suggest that in many cases couples can not see how they are caught in a negative interaction that traps them.   We can work together on your problems using up to date therapy techniques.  EFT success rate is high compared to some of the more dated couples therapies.  You can contact me in confidence using email or phone.

Essentially, both of you will be caught in a cycle that can be very stressful, both focussing on specific issues and who is to blame.  Blame often comes out of feelings of vulnerability.  The end result may be that one of you seeks individual therapy.  It’s very common for me to see an individual presenting a relationship problem.  Quite often when we are caught in ‘the dance’ we just hear the music, the arguments.


The Dance

Systemically ‘the dance’ a system that has repeating features, partner A always says this, partner B always does this.  Your behaviours are triggered by stressful emotionally charged verbal exchanges and this results in repeating early attachment styles.  Just to give some understanding on that, 45% of people in the UK do not have a secure attachment style, similar figures are evident in the USA.  Attachment styles are triggered in vulnerable situations.  The behaviours and emotions then go round and round.  The destructive narrative that links to the pattern of relating pushes couples further apart.  It need not be this way.

I initially become the outside observer to ‘the dance’, I then apply psychological knowledge and psychological methods to bring the dance into awareness.

Once the pattern can be seen, I will work with you to help you both become allies against the negative pattern.  You will eventually find that you can make your own effective interventions by accessing primary emotion.  This is a basic outline.  There can be complications but again I am here to help you work through the problems influencing the pattern.


Secure attachment

Secure attachments lead to better relationships.  This type of attachment can only really develop when each person can engage and a dialogue that relates to their primary emotions.  The primary emotions are the feelings that lay beneath the couple’s relationship problem.  In the heat of the moment, during angry exchanges, the primary emotions are masked by anger.


Emotion-focussed Couples therapy

I use Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy which is evidence based practice.  This way of working helps couples see the patterns that they are unaware of and follows a therapy structure.  I will help you to understand your secondary emotions which fuel the cycle. This gives a different understanding of the current position.  Helping a couple access primary underlying emotions aids repair of the relationship and strengthens bonds. Speaking from your primary emotions strengthens attachment, creating security.  Therapy Contact me now using email or phone.

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